The Psychology of Ben Solo
by daxcat79
Summary: "I never should have sent him away. That's when I lost him. That's when I lost you both."


**The Psychology of Ben Solo**

 **Rating:** PG

 **Genre:** Family, Romance, Fluff, Angst, Time Jumps, Family Relationships, Father/Son Relationship, Mother/Son Relationship, Reflection

 **Pairings:** Han/Leia

 **Summary:** When Leia looks back on those years with Ben and Han, she tries to piece together where things went wrong. She mostly blames herself.

 **A/N:** As much as I did enjoy most of "The Force Awakens," if felt strangely empty to watch a character I adored so much killed the way he was. I suppose this is my way of making sense of his death, and making sense of the character that killed him.

 **Disclaimer:** I appreciate this universe George Lucas created, but I'm afraid I had nothing to do with it. Certainly don't own a thing. This was written mostly for my own amusement, and the amusement of others.

* * *

Leia never had to worry about how Han would react to the news that she was pregnant. She knew exactly how he'd react. He had the same stupid expression on his face as when Leia finally told him that Luke was her brother. His jaw hung open wide enough for flies to wander in. His eyes were shining with a mixture of confusion and growing delight as he came to the astounding realization that his life was about to change yet again.

She was astounded by how wrong her original impression of Han was. Leia never saw him as the type to want a family, to want attachments, to care about responsibility. It was her that had been hesitant at the idea of children. She'd spent so many nights enduring nightmares of everything she loved being ripped away by the shadow of her parentage. Leia was the one afraid to be a family, to have an attachment, to be responsible of something other than herself. Things were different now. She wasn't so afraid anymore. If Han could be brave, so could she.

Leia smiled with adoration at his goofy grin and kissed him. These little moments made her love him all the more. He kissed her back like it was an answer to every doubt she'd ever had. He gave her everything she needed to know in a kiss, powerful and certain. If Han Solo was the master of his own destiny, he'd shaped it with her in mind, and now that life included a baby. Han Solo was an ex-smuggler, highly opinionated, head-strong, and softened by a sensitivity she'd never expected when they first met. It was all these things that made their relationship so passionate, whether they were arguing or making love. They did nothing halfway.

What did worry Leia was the words he spoke after she'd told him the news, the first seed of doubt expressed when the excitement had passed. "Exactly how does a man like me raise a Jedi?"

She knew what he was really asking, because it was the same question she'd asked herself since the possibility of a family had come to her. How could they prevent Anakin Skywalker's legacy from haunting their family? Was it possible they could raise a Jedi as strong and good as Luke? Or could they be unleashing a new threat just as horrifyingly powerful as Vader on the generation to come? Leia wasn't afraid of being a parent to a child, but she was absolutely _terrified_ of being the mother of a Jedi.

* * *

There was something incredibly jarring about the day after maternity leave ended. Suddenly she wasn't just a mother anymore, and the world expanded past diapers and her son's tiny hand wrapped around her finger. The job that had so defined her in the past, was emptier somehow. None of it made sense. Her work was important. The government they were trying to rebuild from the ashes of the Empire was such a work in progress, and it needed the voices of a balanced mind who'd fought all her life for freedom. The way of life she was trying to protect would benefit her son. The New Republic was incredibly important to her child's future. Yet somehow, she didn't hesitate the moment the day was done. She took none of her work with her, none of the documents that needed signing, none of the reports from missions of diplomacy, or even a single memo reminding her of things far too complicated for her tired mind to dwell on. Everything ended the moment she stepped foot in the home she shared with Han and their baby.

The lights were dimmed, and for a moment she felt a tiny prick of apprehension about the quiet. Leia didn't trust the quiet when she'd spent most of her existence in uncertainty and chaos (and frankly, nothing was quiet about Han Solo). She took cautious steps into the living area, searching for signs of life only to hear the gentle snoring of her husband. It was coming from the couch.

"Han?" she whispered, not quite sure whether she should wake him or not. She knew how draining watching Ben could be, and she certainly couldn't fault Solo for succumbing to exhaustion. So she quietly walked over to the couch, and her lips curled at the precious sight of their little boy lying on Han's chest. Both her boys were fast asleep, content in each other's arms. Leia leaned down on her elbows and watched them for a moment. She burned the moment into her memory, shoving it somewhere so deep inside that it could never be removed. This was what she wanted to hold onto.

Han shifted, eyes fluttering as if he could feel her presence shadowing over him. Barely conscious eyes met her own, and he muttered a groggy, "hey there, Princess."

"That couch will do awful things to your back. Maybe we should move Ben to his crib," she offered, despite knowing that action would inevitably wake the baby.

Han shook his head gently. "He's worth it. You can give me a massage later."

She gently laughed at the suggestion in his voice, such a flirt even now. Han's eyes closed once more and he easily drifted back to sleep. Ben shifted on top of his father, sticking a tiny thumb in his mouth. Leia only wished the couch was big enough for the three of them. She wasn't looking forward to sleeping in that giant bed alone. "Good night, boys," she whispered to the sleeping Solos. With a sigh she left to get some needed rest, less excited about tomorrow's work load. She'd thought she would miss it, the work she now did for the New Republic. It was what she was best at. This is what Bail Organa had trained her for, what she was meant to do. Somehow it all felt so different now. Every moment she walked away would be filled with conflict. Every moment she sacrificed would become her biggest regret.

* * *

"Anakin Skywalker, your grandfather, was an amazing Jedi. He fought valiantly in the Clone Wars, he and Ben Kenobi. I didn't know him well, but he saved your uncle's life once…."

Leia knew how much little Ben loved his uncle's stories. His fascination with the Force was unending, and he had a real thirst for knowledge. He wanted adventures like his father and Uncle Luke. He wanted to save the galaxy like his mother. She saw so much emotion and passion in those eyes, just like his father. She never thought twice about letting Luke entertain his nephew with all the good things Ben's family had done, and all the wrongs they'd tried to make right during the Rebellion. She just never thought one of those stories might include the black stain of Darth Vader.

Leia and Luke shared a deep bond. As twins, they shared a similarity she hadn't noticed until after the truth of their connection had been revealed. There was only one thing that divided them. Leia would never understand Luke's love of their father. She could never condone any universe in which Anakin Skywalker was good. Luke's words gave her pause outside Ben's bedroom. Her son didn't notice as he urged Luke to continue. "Grandpa saved your life, Uncle Luke? How?"

"Did your mom never tell you about how he killed the Emperor?" Luke asked with surprise. Ben shook his head. Although there was some disappointment in Luke's eyes, she knew it was directed at her. He didn't approve of the way she denied their parentage. She would never deny Luke, but the name _Skywalker_ felt like a betrayal to the only true father she'd known. Bail Organa was the only grandfather she wanted Ben looking up to. "The evil Emperor was ready to kill me. I had come to face him, and prove my loyalty and love for my father. He wanted to turn me to the dark side, but that was never going to happen. I couldn't be tempted or turned. The evil Emperor became angry, frustrated by his failure. In a rage he attacked me, ready to kill me, but Anakin Skywalker stepped in. He destroyed Darth Vader and the Emperor that day. He saved everyone. He died a hero."

"I think that's enough for today," she interrupted. "Ben, it's past your bedtime."

"Mother no, wait! Uncle Luke was telling me about my Grandfather!" Ben protested.

Leia refused to look at Luke. If she had, Ben would have seen the tension in her gut and the daggers in her eyes. She walked inside his quarters in a rush and invaded the space between her son and her brother. She became a physical barrier between them as if somehow she could shield her son from the foolishness of her brother's story. Her presence forced Luke to move aside as she kissed her son's forehead and whispered against dark curls. "Another time, perhaps. Sweet dreams."

She turned off the light and stormed out of Ben's room, feeling Luke following close behind her. "Leia-"

Leia swung around to face him, cutting him off completely. "I'd appreciate it, if you didn't discuss Vader with my five year old, especially if you're going to lie to him!"

"What I told him was true!" Luke insisted, then cracked a faint smile. "From a certain point of view…."

Leia didn't see how any of what he'd said could be amusing. "A certain point of view?! Luke, our father was no hero! He was the scourge of this galaxy! I don't pretend to understand why he decided to sacrifice his life for you, but I can almost guarantee it was out of selfishness! He died for you, not this galaxy! He died for his family, not the greater good!"

"You weren't there! You didn't see the conflict! You didn't feel the good in him, how the Emperor was manipulating and destroying his mind!"

"And you weren't there when he tortured Han!" Leia shouted, a little too loudly. Her eyes glanced at Ben's door before she spoke again, quieter this time. "You weren't there when he destroyed everyone on Alderaan, or tried to force information from me. You weren't there to see that!"

"Those were the actions of Darth Vader, not our father," Luke asserted.

"They are one and the same, Luke!" Leia insisted angrily, exasperated by his blindness. "I can't keep having this conversation with you. I will never forgive what he did or who he was. I don't pretend to understand the ways of the Force like you do, and I don't want you to think I'm not proud of all you've done." She moved closer to her brother, touching his forearm and feeling the hum of the energy there… mechanical and solid. It was a physical reminder of the pain Darth Vader had caused, even to his own child. "Vader took something important from everyone in this galaxy. There isn't a soul I've met that doesn't carry some burden put there by Vader and the Emperor. Anakin Skywalker isn't a hero, Luke… you are."

It was Leia's biggest fear that her brother's view of Vader was clouded, a virus that would be passed on to her son with each story about the famous Jedi. Sometimes fears were unwarranted, or irrational. This was not one of those times. Although Luke relented and gave up their argument with a silent nod, the tight press of his lips told her they would never agree on this issue. He would never see reason, and she would never accept the events of the Emperor's death as Luke saw them.

"Mother?" Ben was rubbing his eyes as he peaked out from his room, black curls framing his face haphazardly. "May I have some water?"

Leia wasn't sure how much her son had heard. Perhaps all of it, as Ben was hyper aware of tension with all the bouts she'd had with Han in the privacy of their bedroom. More than once their son would interrupt them with some pressing need that Han would be eager to handle, running from their disagreement to look after Ben. In the morning she'd find Han asleep beside their son, and Leia would be forced (once again) to admit how hard it was to sleep without her husband beside her. "Say good night to your Uncle, and go back to bed. I'll bring you some water in a moment."

Luke pulled Ben in his arms with a wide smile, their brief argument forgotten. "Sleep tight, my little Jedi!"

Ben's eyes shifted between them suspiciously before he hugged his uncle. "Good night, Uncle Luke."

* * *

Ben Solo was poking his father with a stick, giggling endlessly as he shouted that Han was dead. "I've killed you! Master Solo has defeated the evil Sith Lord, and now I'm gonna save the Princess!"

Han rolled his eyes tiredly and looked down at the tiny boy who was bruising his ribs. He'd had a rough morning, and even Leia had felt the need to keep her distance. "I ain't no Sith Lord! That Princess is mine, and you can't have her!" he responded, blocking his son's next attack and stealing his stick.

Ben paused, lifting up the flimsy mask he'd made with his tutor for arts and crafts studies. "Hey! You can't just grab a lightsaber from a Jedi Master! Your hand would be cut off!"

Leia's eyebrow quirked up as she sat between them, trying desperately to finish the mission report she'd requested from Wedge about the uprising in the outer rim, on the planet Dac. Empire sympathizers were spread through-out the galaxy in every system causing minor and major disruptions where ever they could. Peace wasn't easy when so few people agreed on how it should be maintained. She was starting to understand why the Old Republic had fallen to the Emperor. A lot of people were becoming concerned.

Han looked down at the stick, dropped it, and stared at his hand. "Well, I'll be… I'm more powerful than I thought! Guess you're little lightsaber doesn't work on this big bad Sith Lord," Han replied with a proud smirk. Leia was relieved to see him smiling. Perhaps he'd finally pulled himself out from under the dark cloud following him all morning.

Ben was not taking the loss of his stick well. He glanced over at his mother, then back at Han. "I'm a Master Jedi… I'm supposed to save the Princess from you!"

"Well this one's mine… go find another one," said Han with a dismissing wave.

"There isn't another one."

"Sure there is… she's around here somewhere. You aren't looking hard enough."

Ben's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion, as if his father had somehow completely obliterate the world and put it back together sideways. "Sith Lords aren't supposed to have a Princess."

Han stared down at his half eaten lunch, which he hadn't been all that pleased with, and let out a sigh. "For crying out loud…" he grumbled. Leia almost jumped when he made a rather ugly, and far too realistic shout of pain, dropping to the floor under their table. "Curse you Master Solo! You've killed me!" he exclaimed with sarcastic enthusiasm that would go straight over their son's head, and dramatically simulated his death.

Leia watched as her son smiled wide and ran over to her. "Saved you, Princess, what's my prize?"

She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "You are truly brave, Master Jedi."

The boy was beaming with delight as he flopped to the ground beside his father. "That was fun, let's do it again."

"Ya can't kill me twice, kid. Go find someone else to be your Sith Lord." Han groaned as he pulled himself up from under the table and returned to his meal. "I'm tryin' to eat here."

Ben bit at his lower lip thoughtfully. "How about I play the Sith Lord and you kill me this time?"

Han took another bite out of his sandwich. "Sorry kid, I ain't no Jedi."

"But you did save a Princess once, right Mommy?"

Leia stared at her husband, unable to resist the fond smile as she thought about their first moments in the Death Star. "Actually, I think I did most of the saving."

Han immediately stiffened, ready for a fight. "Now wait just a second! You almost got us killed in that garbage chute! I was handling things just fine until you decided to send us flying into a death trap!"

This was an old argument that would never be won, and Leia loved every minute of it. "Last I checked, that death trap got us away from the Stormtroopers. It wasn't my fault you came bursting into that detention center without a plan of escape. Like everything else, you just fly around with more brawn than brains, and expect it all to work out perfectly. I was the one forced to make up a strategy in the middle of that chaos."

"It was Luke's stupid idea! Not mine," Han clarified gruffly.

"Then you should have known better. He was just a farm boy who hadn't seen a single battle, and you let him lead you on a rescue mission," she laughed. It wasn't right to mock him, but blaming Luke was a pathetic excuse, and he knew it.

Her husband was never one to give up, even when she'd cornered him. "Oh, so would it have been better if I left ya there to rot?! Not even made the attempt to save your ungrateful, high and mighty skin?!"

Leia's work was long forgotten as she folded her arms, head cocked to the side, eyes narrowing as their playful banter got decidedly less playful. "I was only ungrateful, because your little rescue almost got me killed!"

"I had it under control!"

"In what universe?"

"Fine!" shouted Ben, speaking over both of them, and preventing Han from responding. "I'll play something else!" Leia watched, dismayed, as her son threw down the mask that had been resting on top of his head and stomped into his room.

Guilt ate at her just a tiny bit until she saw that her husband was just barely containing himself, silently snickering into his drink. "That poor kid is going to be a mess if we can't keep our foreplay in the bedroom."

"That was not foreplay," Leia insisted with a huff. "That was what happens when you fail to control your emotions in front of our son."

Han rolled his eyes. "Parents argue, Princess."

"Mine never did… and certainly not in front of me."

"Neither did mine, they were too busy being dead." Han placed his glass down and walked over to Leia, kneeling to the floor in front of her. She pressed her back against the chair when he tried to wrap his arms around her, so he punished her stubbornness with a firm grip on her hips and a smug grin. "You know you're actually pretty gorgeous when you're angry."

"Han, I'm in no mood," she resisted.

Han slid up to his feet, hunched over her with his face close to hers. "Irresistible even," he added with a growl.

"We just upset our son, this is not foreplay!"

Han leaned forward and nibbled on her neck, making her resolve crumble in seconds. He'd become mind-numbingly skilled at making her lose control. He knew her pressure points, her weak spots, and the neck always made her toes curl. When she could take no more, her lips were on his. She pulled the air from his lungs, and all the tension between them was funneled into something far more pleasant. Leia felt him tug her off the chair and into his arms. She'd never admit it, but sometimes their arguments _were_ foreplay.

"Ew gross!" Ben yelped from the hallway, running back into his room, and forcing them to pull away from each other. Every instinct told her to run after the child, but she was still hopelessly stuck in her husband's grip. Again Han was laughing, a rumbling in his gut that just barely contained his delight.

"Yup, that poor kid is screwed."

Leia groaned against his chest, mortified. "Han… Master Jedi Solo may not be able to kill you, but this Princess surely will!"

* * *

"He needs to learn about the Force. Luke's been warning us for ages that delaying his training could do Ben harm!" Leia contended. She wasn't sure why Han was so adamant to resist her brother's requests. He knew more about what it took to be a Jedi than anyone. Surely, the training would help their son avoid the fate of Darth Vader!

"Delaying his training? Luke's constantly teaching the kid new things! He lifted Threepio off the ground just yesterday!" Han replied, shrugging off the last of his dirty clothes as he pulled out pajamas from the dresser. He mostly preferred comfortable pants or shorts. The nights were cool, but their bed provided more than enough warmth.

Leia folded her arms, already waiting for him in bed, less than pleased with the way this conversation was going. "There's more to Jedi training than powers, Han! He needs to be taught how to resist the dark side, how to control his thoughts and emotions…."

"I don't see you going off for Jedi training. I thought the Force was strong with both Skywalkers," Han grumbled, a low blow in Leia's opinion.

Her eyes narrowed dangerously as he walked towards the bed. "I chose a different path. You and I both know this is different!"

Han leaned forward to grab the covers, lifting them up and away so he could climb in beside her. A strong part of her wanted to shove him right back off again. He was being so unbelievably stubborn about this. "I just don't think separating him from his family is the right way to go right now! Luke didn't train to be a Jedi until much later."

"He wouldn't be separated from his family. Luke is his uncle."

"Well, I'm his father!" Han snapped irritably.

"Daddy!" came a shout from the other room, making them both sigh. Of course Ben had probably heard them. He always heard them.

Han instantly pulled away from her to go check on their son. "We aren't finished with this, flyboy. Sooner or later we both know he needs to be taught, and Luke's the only one who knows what he's going to be facing."

Her husband said nothing as he pulled on a shirt and walked towards the door. Leia was fairly certain she'd be sleeping alone tonight.

* * *

"You could have been killed." She was shaking.

"I know."

"We can't keep doing this, Han. You can't keep running off to volunteer for some half-baked mission every time things get bad." Absolutely furious.

"I know."

"Do you have any idea how upset Ben was? He was so terrified he'd lose you!" No one did this to her like Han.

"I know."

" **I** was terrified!" How could he not understand?

"I know."

"For god's sake, Han, stop it! Stop saying… that." Frustration and relief were a strange thing when cooked together too long. It was like eating a long awaited pastry with too much salt. Han Solo was standing in front of her breathing, but her anger prevented her from enjoying the sight. Emotion overwhelmed her, but she refused to give in. His eyes were a mixture of shame and fear, like a little boy afraid he would never be forgiven this time. She would be stronger than the pain her husband caused by leaving. She lived through war and loss. She'd fought torture, played a pivotal role in the fall of an Empire. She could surely resist Han Solo. "Hold me."

His arms wrapped around her in seconds. Leia could never understand why Han's arms made her world a better place. Perhaps there was no logical explanation. All she knew was the need for him, to be assured that he was indeed alive. Reports of his death at the hands of a dangerous terrorist organization that hated the Republic had taken it's toll, even after those reports proved untrue. She closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath. The tension eased from her body, and melted away into nothing until she'd forgotten what had angered her in the first place.

Leia wasn't sure how long they'd stood there, but it was long enough that it took their son coming home to pull Han away. For the first time in ages she realized what Ben Solo had inherited from his mother. Han held the trembling body of their little boy, and Leia watched as the tremors visibly faded. Their seven year old was crying in his father's arms. "Don't ever leave me again," Ben whispered into Han's shoulder.

Han frowned, staring up at Leia. Just like that he'd made his point. It didn't seem fair that he'd had to go on suicidal mission just to win an argument, but she had no other choice now. Leia would again deny Luke's request to train Ben in the Jedi arts full-time. Their son wasn't ready to be separated from his family. Her husband had made that point painfully clear. "I know I leave sometimes, kid," Han admitted, "but I promise… I'll always come back."

* * *

Ben shared his father's fondness for the Falcon. There was no doubt about that. He was constantly begging his father to take him on missions, or teach him how to fly. Han did his best to be cautious. Teaching him little things without ever allowing the boy to cause any real damage. Their son would sit in Han's lap as he took over the controls, confidently telling Chewie what to do as if he were the Captain and his father was just a quiet adviser. The age of nine (and a half) was far too young to be learning to fly a starship, but Ben Solo had flying in his blood.

She gripped her seat tightly, ignoring C-3P0 as he whined about the probability of Ben Solo flying them into cosmic garbage or getting them pulled into a gravity well. "Somebody shut him up!" shouted Han, and Leia eagerly switched the droid off before he could protest.

"Can we shoot something next?" their son requested with an excited grin, just as lop-sided and smug as his father. Something twisted in her stomach at the thought. _'What have I done? Now there's two of them.'_ Han was laughing, and Leia was sure he couldn't be more proud.

"Maybe when you're older, kid! This ship is gonna be yours one day, but I'd rather you know the piloting controls better than you know the weapons. Can't have you flying off starting some war cause you wanted to do a little target practice."

Ben twisted his head back at Leia. "Don't worry, mother will surely save us with her skills of diplomacy!"

Leia gripped the chair harder as the ship lurched forward, and his father urged him to pay attention. "I have a bad feeling about this…."

* * *

Although Leia was unquestionably Ben Solo's mother, there was something special about Han. Han Solo was Ben's greatest weakness, a problem she identified with. The man could do no wrong, and even when he was infuriating… it made little difference. Leia would love him, and so would Ben. Despite every fault, the man could get away with murder, and still emerge unstained. She was convinced it was this knowledge that made him so cocky. He was trained as a scoundrel, the king of manipulation. Han knew from the very beginning that he could win her heart, and he was obnoxiously confident with his skills as a father even when he had no right to be.

Ben sat on the bed staring off at the wall across from him, visibly shuddering in his fury. "Sometimes I just… I want to kill him," Ben admitted. He was still so young, only ten years old, but she often forgot. Leia was forced to grow up at such a young age living underneath the thumb of the Empire. It never occurred to her that her son might grow up just as quickly.

Leia took a seat beside the boy, but gave him his space. It worried her how deeply he felt things… much like his father. Emotion was a dangerous beast to someone strong in the Force. It was why Luke was so eager to train him. They could all see a pattern emerging… everyone but Han. "Your father loves you very much, and I know you love him too."

Ben refused to look at her. "Then why does he always leave?"

"I think the question you should be asking… is why does he always come back." She didn't want to answer Ben's question because she knew the answer. He left because of her. He left because she'd pushed him. This was her fault and his. She couldn't stand what it was doing to their son. Their jobs, their relationship… all of it was taking it's toll on Ben.

"What if one day he doesn't? What if one day he doesn't come back? All those missions they send him on are dangerous. He's not indestructible."

There was so much fear in his voice. It broke her heart. She felt responsible for all of this, especially the fear that was building in her son. Fear of being abandoned, fear of not having a father, of not having someone to trust and count on. Ben wasn't living a stable life, and her own responsibilities divided her just as it divided Han. This was no way to raise a child, but she didn't know how to fix it. She'd hoped love would be enough. Her life hadn't exactly been that stable either, but she never questioned where she belonged or who she was. She never felt alone. Ben was different, so impossibly different. "Hope."

"I don't understand."

Leia smiled down at her son and leaned in closer, as if she was sharing some special secret with him. "I have hope. It's a powerful thing, you know… having hope. Hope destroyed the Emperor. Hope won the war. Hope even saved my life once or twice."

Ben frowned, shaking his head. "I'm not sure I know how to hope."

"Of course you do. We are a family that always hopes. Your uncle has it, your father has it, I have it… and my son has it. Never lose hope, Ben Solo… because the moment that hope is lost, so are you."

Finally a small smirk cracked through the pain of her son's face. "I have hope in dad, I guess. As long as I have him, I'll never be lost."

Leia wrapped her arms around Ben and laid her head on his. "And neither will I."

* * *

Sometimes Leia would wonder if it was love for Han that proved to be her undoing. Luke was taught that weakness for a Jedi involved anything that might pull them over to the dark side. Relationships were forbidden in Obi-Wan Kenobi's lifetime for this very reason. She'd chosen not to train in the ways of the Force. Leia chose to have a family instead, to have Han Solo. When she watched her son look up at his father with such adoration she was certain she'd made the right decision.

"Come on now, kid, are you even listening to me?" complained Han, banging his head against the conduit beside his head when the tool he'd asked for failed to materialize. "Ow!" he cried, making Ben laugh. "That ain't funny! I blame you!"

Ben's cackle was contagious as he reached over to hand his father the correct tool. "Don't blame me, father! It was your destiny!"

"I'm pretty sure destiny doesn't cover bumps on the head, kid," grumbled Han.

Leia's grin widened as Han returned to his work and Ben went back to staring. She supposed she was staring too, but how could she not? Han was their shared weakness. Maybe Luke was wrong for once. Maybe the Jedi were wrong. How could loving someone ever lead a person down the path to the dark side? In what universe could love ever turn to hate?

* * *

"How would you know?! You're never around long enough to know anything!" Ben shouted heatedly. Leia had heard the screaming even before she'd entered the Falcon. Chewie looked especially agitated and she immediately moved to his side, gently touching his furry arm.

"What could they possibly be fighting about this time?" she asked, far too tired after such long meetings with members of the senate. Politics took passion and energy, and she was quickly learning that age made both of those things hard to come by. The men and women she worked with were as stubborn as they were weary. She feared that the memories of the Empire had faded from their mind. Or maybe all those years of rebellion had made it difficult to do anything else.

Chewie grunted away at her in his native language, and although she struggled to fully understand him, she didn't need a translator to realize it was because of Han's latest mission. _"This happens every time,"_ he told her. _"Every time."_

"Now wait just a minute, kid! I may not be perfect, but I'm still your father! What do you want from me?! I have a job to do!"

"Well, I hate it!" Ben screamed. The voices were getting louder now. "I hate your stupid mission! I hate this piece of junk you call a ship! And I hate you! Fly away, but don't expect me to care anymore! I don't care if you never come back!"

There was a long stunned pause, and when Leia walked towards the noise she could see the hurt expression on her husband's face. She saw the way her twelve year old son shuddered after saying so many terrible things to the person he loved most in the universe. Leia wanted to speak, wanted to fix this, but she knew how important it was that Han leave. All remnants of the Empire needed to be destroyed if the New Republic was going to survive, and Luke had been taking the lead. Now Luke was missing, and possibly in grave danger. Ben just couldn't understand what Han was doing, but she did. For once, this wasn't a mission Han took eagerly to avoid tension. He had to go. He had to find Luke Skywalker.

Finally, Ben turned and saw her, and a new level of shame washed over his face, embarrassed by his own lack of control. He turned away and ran out of the Falcon, rubbing at his eyes as he left. Leia moved to go after him, but Han's arm blocked her way. "Give him a minute… he just needs to cool off. I'll… I'll talk to him later when he's calmer."

"He didn't mean it." Leia knew Ben's words cut deep. Han didn't always show it, but he most certainly felt it.

Her husband gave that lop-sided smile, the one that kept the world from knowing his fears or frustrations. Leia knew better. It was forced and so terribly fake. It was a wonder it managed to fool anyone at all. "Yeah he did. He's got every right."

* * *

It was later in the day when she'd finally chosen to check on her son, unaware Han was already speaking to him. She kept to the hallway when she heard voices, peaking out to watch Ben. He was lying on the floor with a rock floating above him. Although Leia was delaying his training full-time with Luke, her brother was eager to teach him when he had the opportunity. Sometimes Ben would practice when he was upset, focus his energies on his Force training, as if he could funnel all his anger and fear into the rock he'd lifted just above his head. Han was lying beside him on the floor. In less than a day he'd be leaving again. He'd only just come back, but this was different. This was a rescue mission.

"You promised me," Ben finally spoke, never taking his focus off the rock. She recognized it as a gift her husband had given Ben last year. His mission had taken him by where Alderaan used to be. He found remnants of the broken planet to bring her, and one especially for their son. It'd been a reminder of a great tragedy, but also a symbol of everything the New Republic stood for. Leia kept her own in a drawer by her bed, a piece of home.

"And now I'm breaking it," Han admitted.

"No more missions back to back! We've been planning this trip for months! You and me in the Falcon! You called me your co-pilot! Not even Chewie was allowed to come!" Ben reminded him, his tone was tense and Leia could sense his feelings of betrayal. His father wasn't especially consistent, but people could trust Han to keep his promises. That was one of the things Leia loved about him. For an ex-smuggler, his priority was loyalty and trust. It was why he'd been so sought after before she'd met him. He always did the job, even when things got difficult, and if not for breaking that streak with Jabba's spices, he'd probably never have taken the job to help Obi-Wan and Luke all those years ago.

"This isn't just a mission, kid. You know that. This is your Uncle Luke we're talking about. He needs me."

"I don't care," Ben grumbled stubbornly. So much conflict in those words. His tone was certain, but her son loved Luke. They all did.

"Yes, you do." Even Han knew better. Her husband didn't need the Force to read his son. They had their own connection.

"Then take me with you!" Ben urged.

Han bristled at that. "Never going to happen, kid! I'm your father! My job is to protect you, not put you in harm's way!"

Ben rolled his eyes, and Leia frowned as the rock seemed to falter a bit in the air. If he lost focus it'd drop right on her son's face. "You can't protect me! No one can! No one is ever here! Mom works from day till dusk, you disappear on mission after mission, and leave me in the capable hands of Threepio! He's not a nanny, father! He's a stupidly annoying droid with a severe stubborn streak!"

Even Han winced at the thought. Their son needed guidance. He needed attention, real attention. They were all so busy being part-time parents, with a part-time uncle/Jedi Master… as if all those parts could make a whole. They were fooling themselves. Han resisted sending their son away to Luke full-time, but this felt like the last straw. Their son needed more, and she was tired of denying that. She wouldn't allow their son to continue drifting like this. "Yeah well, I know you're no fan of that goldenrod… but let me tell you something, he deserves your respect. I hate to admit it, but he's gotten your mother and I out of trouble more than once, and he knows a thing or two about this family." She knew how much it was costing Han to sing C-3P0's praises, and she allowed herself a faint smile, imagining how the droid would have reacted to such commendation.

Ben refused to say a word, and she could see the desperation in Han's eyes as he tried to reach the boy.

"You know… I envy you sometimes," he finally spoke, surprising Leia. "What you have, I mean." Han wasn't good at talking about his past. Leia knew enough, but she'd never pushed. His story was a domino effect that had led him to the Rebellion, and she knew he preferred to stay in the moment. _'Honey, I've got a Princess for a wife, a brilliant kid, and best friends I can rely on for anything… so why in god's name would I bring up a past where I had none of those things?'_ For someone so frustratingly layered, his views on life were simple. Han lived for the present. She knew exactly where this conversation was going, and she listened eagerly. "I didn't have a father or a mother growing up."

"You never talk about it," Ben finally said, his voice low and curious. Even their son recognized the significance of what Han was about to share.

"Yeah well, your old man was a kid once… believe it or not. Only instead of floating rocks in the air and brooding over broken promises I was fighting off head games from crooks more devious and relentless than Jabba the Hutt. A kid like me didn't sleep too heavy because it was a matter of life and death. You never knew when your time of usefulness was up. The world I lived in turned on people. I wanted more. I wanted you… and your mother."

Ben let the rock drop in his hand, and Leia bit back a sigh of relief as he placed it on the floor beside him. "That guy you told me about… the one that raised you… he didn't really care about you. He was using you."

"Not sure men like that know what it means to care, kid. That world don't breed feelings unless it leads to profit."

"Are you using me?"

It wasn't the question Leia expected, and she didn't miss the shock and awe on Han's face. He looked as horrified as she felt. His words of anger from before seemed tame compared to the question Ben had just asked. "Using you?!" Han repeated. "Using you for what?!"

Ben tilted his head away, seeing and sensing his father's rising irritation. "You tell me about the world you lived in, but I'm supposed to believe you rose above all that? Master Luke says we're a product of our upbringing, that the Force has a destiny for each of us, shaped by the life we're born into."

"You're Uncle Luke says a lot of things!" was Han's retort, voice raised just a bit. Leia often worried about his temper when it came to Ben. Neither of them were fairly good at keeping things calm when someone managed to hit the proper nerve. Han sat up, running a hand through his hair, then twisted to look back at his son with barely contained frustration. "I don't pretend to know what it means to be the best father. Having a son is like taking on the most difficult mission a man could dream up, only this isn't what I signed up for. I'm navigating through it the best I can, and maybe there is some Force pulling the strings, but I'd like to think we control the little things. Little things like how much pride I feel when I look at you. Little things like the way my stomach twists into knots when I make your mother laugh. The way you used fit into my arms when you were too little to burp yourself! I know it's hard to trust someone that breaks a promise, son, but there's a thousand little promises I never forgot! If you feel like you're being used because you make me happy, then so be it, but I'm not just happy because I'm a father. I'm happy because I'm _your_ father! I'll never be ashamed of that! When you're happy, I'm happy."

Ben's head slowly rolled back towards Han. His eyes were intense as if he was searching for something. Perhaps he was reaching out with the Force, trying to understand what flowed through this man that was raising him. Han Solo was being sized up by his own son, and Leia wasn't sure what to do with that information. Gone were the days that Ben just trusted his parents. It felt like another battle lost in the war for their child's soul. "Why?"

"Why? Why what?"

"Why would you be happy?" Ben sat up, reaching for the rock once more, focused on the weight of it. "Something's wrong. Uncle Luke says he senses a lot of conflict in me, and it worries him. He lectures me on the dark side, how strong it is, keeps telling me I have to rise above things like jealousy and anger. I feel like he's telling me to deny myself… deny who I am. I can sense my mother's trepidation when she looks at me sometimes. I'm a ticking time bomb. Everyone seems so unsure around me… everyone but you. Why?"

Han looked completely unguarded in those moments. He shook his head and pulled his son close, doing so with such strength Ben dropped the rock. His father kissed the black curls covering his forehead and closed his eyes tight for a moment. "I don't know the Force like your mother and Luke. I don't know a thing about destiny or fate. Until I got tied up in the rebellion I didn't even believe in those things, kid. All I have are my instincts."

"Instincts can be wrong."

"Well don't tell Luke and your mother I said this… but so can the Force. Sometimes it can be dead wrong."

Leia closed her eyes as her vision blurred. Her forehead pressed against the cold wall she'd been leaning against. She never trusted Han's insistence that he could fix things. Even when all evidence proved him woefully inadequate, Han refused to give up control. _'I can fix it, Your Worship, trust me.'_ Ben Solo wasn't some ship with a bad motivator. He was a lost little boy. It hurt her to her core to think it, but there were just some things her husband couldn't make right no matter how hard he tried. This was one of them.

* * *

"Don't do this. Don't make this choice for the both of us." Han was staring at her, unashamed for the devastation in his eyes. Leia rarely saw his face so raw. It only made this choice that much more painful, but the decision was made, and she wouldn't be backing down this time. Ben needed Luke's help… full-time.

"This isn't about us, Han. This is about our son. I see so much of Vader in him. You can't understand. You don't feel it like Luke and I do."

Leia was used to arguing with Han. No matter how explosive things got, those interactions were about passion and strong-wills, and did very little to impact how they felt about each other. This was different. She didn't know what it would mean for their family after Ben was sent to be trained by Luke. She hadn't a clue where that would leave things between her and Han.

"Look sweetheart… I… I know I don't have the kind of connection you do. I'm not powerful with the Force. I can't see things like you do, but this is different! Ben Solo isn't just another version of Anakin Skywalker. He's mine, my son. He doesn't need to be reached! He needs to be loved! He needs us!"

"I do this out of love, Han! Everything I do is for him!"

"And everything I do is for Ben too! I'm his father, I should have a say in what happens to him!"

"You can't save him, Han! You can't save him from the dark side! You can't save him from what you don't understand!" she lashed out, brushing past him towards the door. "And you can't save him from himself…."

Leia was walking away, but she still heard it no matter how faint. "I can try…."

* * *

Leia had spent a lifetime trying to understand the psychology of Ben Solo. He was unpredictable, passionate, always searching, always fighting. It never even occurred to her that although she would always be Ben's mother, he wasn't really her son. Ben was a Solo in every way that counted. Luke couldn't save him. Leia couldn't save him. The only one capable of that was Han… a chance she'd lost the moment she'd ripped them away from each other. Love turned to hate, and Leia often wondered if it was the same thing that'd happened to Anakin Skywalker. She thought she was saving Ben Solo the day she sent her son away, but instead she was dooming him to his fate.

He resented their decision to send him away, certain his father and mother were truly abandoning him. No matter how hard Han had tried to convince him that his father still cared, the trust had been broken. Their relationship was in shambles, and the last important promise he'd made to Ben was dead. There was no coming back to their son, no more family to turn to when he needed it. Luke was all he had, and it wasn't enough. The good little boy they remembered was left to flounder, a prime target for the dark side to manipulate.

The thing she never considered, the thing she'd never noticed, was how hauntingly important Han Solo really was to this story of their lives. He was never the hero that Luke Skywalker was, by no means. Luke Skywalker used the Force, he turned Vader from the dark side, he helped end the Empire, and became something more powerful than anyone could have ever dreamed possible. Han Solo had done none of those things. Han was just a man with a broken down ship, a loyal furry companion, and a sharp-tongue. Han was just a man. It never occurred to Leia that being just a man was enough. Perhaps she was more like her father than she'd previously realized. She'd put a value on Luke's power because her husband was just a man… and how could a man ever hope to raise a Jedi?

But wasn't it a simple farmer that raised Luke Skywalker? Wasn't it a simple politician that raised Leia Organa? It was the simple people that had given them the strength to be good. It was the ones that were forgotten that turned Darth Vader's children into his biggest threat. Perhaps if Anakin Skywalker had never been trained as a Jedi there never would have been a Darth Vader. Perhaps if Luke and Leia had been raised by their powerful father the rebellion would have been lost. And perhaps… just maybe, Ben Solo would never have become Kylo Ren if he'd been allowed to remain by the side of his father.

" _I never should have sent him away. That's when I lost him. That's when I lost you both."_

It'd been an old man staring back at her. Han Solo without that light in his eyes, without that confidence she remembered when they were young. He hadn't wanted her to think it was her fault. Ben had made a choice, because that's how her husband saw things. Each day was a choice, and destiny had little to do with the little things. Han had tried so hard to put the blame on their son, on Vader… anyone but her. She knew better now. This was her mess.

" _Luke is a Jedi… you're his father."_ She'd realized that too late, she supposed. Leia had a habit of doing that. It took watching the man she loved being lowered into a pit to be frozen for her to admit she loved him. Why would this be any different? She'd gotten a second chance when she'd helped save Han from Jabba's clutches, and maybe she could get her second chance with Ben this time. Leia was desperate for another chance… to make it right.

Han walked away with a mission, the last mission he'd ever have. The simple people may have shaped the lives of the powerful, but there was one small detail she'd forgotten… they were the first to die… and those deaths weren't part of the little things (the little choices). Those deaths were what made a person's destiny. Death gave Luke his freedom to embrace a life as a Jedi. Death gave Leia a purpose, to carry on her adopted father's cause. And Han's death destroyed the last hope she'd had to save Ben Solo. This was not the boy she remembered. Ben Solo was truly gone, killed the same day as his father. Everything was different now. Now wasn't the time to understand the mind of her son.

Now was the time to learn the psychology of Kylo Ren….


End file.
